Well, I am highly suicidal at the moment and currently stranded in a train station so I decided to write an entry in my blog. Actually I am writing this on Word because I don’t have internet access here. But I really feel the need to basically sit and rant about all of the things that have managed to go wrong today/yesterday. Let’s see, starting with last night. Pretty much the main bad thing was the weather. There was a big storm w/ lots of warnings and conviently was from like 6 pm to 7 am so we had to drive right in the middle of it. Like by the time we finally got to the train station things had started to clear up. The driving was awful. Luckily my mom was driving or else I would probably have been flipping out more. It was hailing and then turned to like a rain/freezing rain that instantly turned to ice when it touched something. My mom is like an overly cautious driver and so she was driving extremely slow which was stressing me out because I didn’t think we would get there in time. Oh, and semi’s kept passing us and everytime they did they would toss up a blinding amount of slush at our windshield. My mom was like flipping out and yelling at the semi’s and basically it just suxed. And even though we left at like 1 instead of 2 am we were running late, so I was sitting the entire time freaking out that I would miss my train because there isn’t another one for 24 hours. To add to my insane amount of stress, the guy that was supposed to pick me up texted me saying that he wasn’t going to now because of the weather. I told him that the storm would be long gone by the time I needed to be picked up but he decided no. At this point it is already 2 am so I can’t call anyone else to try to get a ride then so I figured I would do it today. Anyways, we finally get to the train station like 10 minutes late but the train ended up being an hour and a half late. Because it was so late I asked my mom to go see if she could get McDonalds because I hadn’t slept at all and hadn’t eaten in like 12 hours. She went out and left me with my brother. I guess the one good thing is that I didn’t go with her because she ended up getting totally lost. So then I was stressing about her getting back in time for my train and my brother was there and basically freaking out again. So at like 5:40 I finally got on the train and thought that things would be better. I sat next to this girl that apparently lives on my floor but I didn’t know that until I sat next to her. We didn’t talk much tho because she pretty much slept the entire time. I tried to sleep for like the first 2 hours but couldn’t. Oh, I forgot. To add to all the stress of really dangerous roads, and being late, I couldn’t breathe. I had my nebulizer in my backpack but I couldn’t use it in the car because there was no place to plug it in and I was too afraid of being late to stop somewhere to try to use it. So for the first part of the ride I had really sharp chest pains and then for the rest of the ride it just felt like I was suffocating. I tried to sleep on the train but still couldn’t breathe well and couldn’t relax because it wasn’t comfortable so after 2 hours I just gave up. I went over to the snack car and got one of those little boxes of cereal. As I was walking back I saw that there are little plugs by the seats so I decided to use my nebulizer to try to help me breathe. I took that and then watched an episode of Stargate just to try to relax. Anyways, as it started getting later and people would actually be getting up I decided to try to get a ride because the stupid guy that bailed on me. I called Kira because she said that she would get me before we left for break but I couldn’t get a hold of her. So I was calling different people and couldn’t find anyone. So then I was really stressing out. I asked the girl next to me if I could get a ride with her but she said that she was getting a taxi with her friends and there wouldn’t be room. Basically she didn’t want to ride with me, but whatever. So then for the last hour+ of the trip I was sitting there being really stressed about how I was going to get back to RIT. Then I got to the train station and I was hoping that I would be able to figure something out but I didn’t know what to do. I went out and asked one of the taxi drivers how much it would be to get a taxi back to RIT and he said $30. I don’t have that much money with me. I can’t really afford that in the first place but I didn’t have that much cash with me. So then I start calling everyone I could think of. I even called my RA and asked if he could take me. Pretty much no one was answering the phone which suxs. So I was getting pretty desperate so I asked the guy at the ticket window if/when a bus came here. He said that only 2 came on Sunday. There is one that comes in an hour so I guess it is almost a good thing that my train was really late getting here. So now I am sitting alone in a train station waiting for a bus that I hope I can afford to try to get back to RIT. Oh, and I was supposed to work today but my train was supposed to get here at 11 and I was supposed to have a ride. So pretty much everything that could possibly go wrong today has gone wrong. I have had such an insane amount of stress, no sleep, and almost no food and I am about to flip out. I called a friend but she just laughed at me. I would call my mom but there is nothing that she could do and she would just freak out. I might end up telling her later but not while I am still sitting here stranded in the stupid train station.

So anyways, that is pretty much everything that has gone wrong in like the last 12 hours. Overall I have been having a really hard time being home. Like as soon as I got home it was rough. When we arrived it didn’t feel like home at all, which was kinda weird for me cuz I pretty feel like I don’t really have a home anymore. Like I never really felt like I was really a part of the family but at least I had my room. It was my sactuary and my prison but it was a place for me to be sorta at home. Now I don’t have that. So I pretty much got really depressed really fast at home. Then I started wanting to kill myself purely because I could do it easily at home and couldn’t at RIT. I mean I have rope and rafters in the barn so I could easily do it and I didn’t really have means at RIT so I was going to do it while I could. Then I decided that I would wait if I could figure out a way to do it at RIT. So I was like obsessed with that for a couple days. I read lots of those guide to suicide things which really don’t bother me at all anymore, not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I finally figured out a way to strangle myself using a scarf and my brush. I like it because I am not limited by resources and it is easy. Then I started experimenting with it. I tried one scarf for a while and did it the first time just to try but then I tried to push it and realized that it wouldn’t actually work. So then I tried one of the fuzzy scarves that I knitted. That one works a lot better. I figured out how to do it so it cuts off the blood to my brain and I would lose conciousness pretty quickly. I came pretty close once. I was pretty dizzy and out of it and I just wanted to lay down and I almost did. Then I all of a sudden realized that I couldn’t and quickly tried to get it off as fast as possible. The brush part got caught in my hair but I got it loose enough so I could breathe and get blood to my brain so I was ok. Anyways, I so I guess that is my method. I really wanted to do it several times while I was at home but I decided that it would be better to wait. It would be easier on my mom and family. I am not very close to my roommates so I figure it would be easier if they found the body verses my mom. Plus I would be far away so it would bring less guilt. I know that there would be guilt and I know that it would be horrible for them but I am trying to minimize it as much as possible. But yah, the reason I pretty much became so suicidal is because I was really depressed being home but I didn’t really want to go back. I didn’t really want to deal with the stress of RIT. I figured if I couldn’t deal with home and didn’t want to be back then there was no place for me. The horrible 12 hours that I have had trying to get back definitely hasn’t helped. I currently feel like I have no true friends at RIT, I don’t want to deal with school but if I don’t have college then I have nothing. I have no future. So I figure if there is no future then why suffer through the present. But anyways, I probably won’t do anything tonight just because I am so incredibly exhausted that I really need to just crash. Like I am just staying in a state of extremely high stress because I know if I try to relax and realize my surroundings at the moment I am going to have a mental breakdown. Like I will have to deal with it at some point but the ability to block things out even if temporarily is incredibly helpful. But anyways, the bus is supposed to come in 15 minutes so I should probably stand out front and try to get on that. Hopefully it is cheap, and hopefully I manage to get back safely.